Filters Magazine
pop/sub/fringe culture
Issue 3: Local edition!
Saturday, 18-Nov-2017 02:10:57 PST
One day a coworker and I were bored and surly and trying to pass the time. We were having a little chat on ICQ and what follows is our conversation.

Kalypso: i want to be fit by the spring so i can run around in half shirts and daisy dukes.

Big Joe: in spring i want to run around in wife-beaters or mesh shirts

K: we'll come to work, wearing semi-matching outfits. you in a wife beater, me in daisy dukes.

B: that would be classic! i'm going to grow shlong hair at the same time

K: okay, and i'm going to buy some jellies (rubber shoes)--pink.

B: those rule! you can dress up as a suburban mall chick who only dates big black guys and wears a pacifier and carries a teddy bear around. you'll have to dye your hair blonde, though...

K: nah, i'll just curl it and spray the fuck out of it. it'll be so tall and so stiff, you'll be able to climb up to the balcony on it.

B: i'm gonna get a tattoo on my chest of a battleship

K: i'm gonna buy a purse and some lipstick. also, let's not forget the lee-press-on nails, painted pink, of course. i'm gonna giggle all the time in a high-pitched, light-headed, sort of way.

B: i'm gonna roll a pack of non-filtered cigs in my t-shirt, and wear leather/mesh gloves with the fingers cut off. my hat is going to say: wine her, dine her, 69 her

K: oh baby, i'm going to be all over you if you roll a pack of handrolledcigs in your shirt. i'm going to wear jellies with heels, and a really tight and very short jean skirt with a jean vest, and a pin of metallica over my heart.

B: holy shit! that sounds like one of the most rockingest outfits ever! i'm gonna also get a jean jacket. but it's gonna be a vest and have sheep wool inside! then i'm going to cut up one of my old black sabbath 'mob rules tour' shirts up and pin it to the back of my shirt. and no less than super-tight black jeans for me

K: and then, we we go out to the holy cow, to go dancing, i'm going to put on those cowboy boots that only go up to the ankle, and i'm going to wear a friendship pins (safety pins with beads) in my ears and tease my BANGS. hopefully i won't get too much lipstick on my teeth.

K: and i'm going to hang out at the arcade in the mall.

B: cool! i'm going to pick you up in my bitching trans-am with the firebird on the hood. of course the t-top will be off, too. then we'll go to the mall, and you'll go to the arcade and i'll scalp blue oyster cult tickets in front

K: and when i'm done watching the guys play tron, i'm going to meet you in back of the mall on the steps, to smoke a marb and show off my newly acquired (5 finger discount) perfume from cvs. then, we're going to hop in your trans-am, which is parked in the snow and do donuts. afterwards, we need to cruise main street and stop in the wendy's parking lot to hang out with our friends and drink md20/20

B: fucking awesome! while we're cruising the strip for hotties, we'll stop in many parking lots to meet up with potential hook-ups. i ask chick i meet for a smoke because of the tell-tale 'lucky cig setup.' if the pack has two lucky smokes turned upside down, she has a boyfriend, but only one and she's single. i'll tell her how fucking beautiful her feathered hair is, and she'll say how much she likes my desert boots

K: then i'll run off to one of my bitches and start crying about how you dumped me for the feathered fool with blond hair who lied and put only one cig face up when she should have put two. then, i'll chug my grape md and fuck brian, your exfriend who works at taco heaven and drives a corvette. while we're doing the deed in his car, i'll run my fingers down his braided tail.

B: you bitch!! you slut!! i can't believe you did that. i'm gonna fucking cut his stupid braid off! but first, since i'm a senior, and you're only a junior, i'm going to go to the smoking area at school and start a rumor that you sucked four guys' cocks at the same time on friday at the big football game under the bleachers. then, just to spite you more, i'll go and fuck that hot teacher that is the only one in school you respect.

K: then, i'm going to get a gun and tell you to meet me in the woods with brian, for a swordfight. in the paper bags that will be found next to your dead body, i'll place a bottle of evian...

B: yeah, but that stupid shit won't work and i'll strap a fucking pack of dynamite to my chest cause i'm so full of fucking angst and walk around school all day in a long overcoat brooding.

K: i'll start smoking when you finally explode.

B: that's what i figured, so instead of blowing it up, i'll put it in someones locker and call the school with a bomb threat so they have to let us go home for the day. then, you'll be all impressed with me cause i'm so bad-ass that you'll run up to me in the parking lot and ask for my class ring back. the whole school will make a big circle around us cause we're the most popular there. i'll slip that shit on your finger and you'll almost faint!!

K: i'll go home and carve your name in my arm and sign my name, "Bubbles Joe" a hundred times over each sheet of paper in my room.

B: yeah, and i'll go get your name tattooed on my cock. it'll say: 'bubbles, TLA!'

K: and then for prom, you'll take me to red lobster.

B: damn straight! i'll be in my blue ruffled tux, of course, and you'll be in something pink. something that looks like a wedding gown. it'll be about twenty of us in our friends' beat up white limo. he graduated before us about five years ago, but he's still in town hitting on high school chicks!

K: yeah--and we'll drink pink champagne and i'll smoke those thin cigs with long filters and pray that i don't put a run in my nude stockings. after red lobster, we'll go to the liquor drive thru and pick up a 6 pack of bartles and james before going to the prom, where we will of course be crowned king and queen, only i won't wear the crown because i don't want my hair to go flat.

B: we'll be way too cool to dance at the prom, so we'll hang out on the basketball bleachers with the rest of what we like to think of as the 'in' crowd that we hang with. a bunch of losers. i'll get bored and go spike the shit out of the punch with some southern comfort that i gaffled from the circle k. since they don't let us marb inside, we move the group outside to fucking chain smoke.

K: after two drags of marbing, i'll get sick, from mixing soco and wine coolers and i'll start puking, all the while slurring, "I yaaaam fiiiiiine."

B: yeah, and your girlfriends will be doing the same, and you'll all get mad at each other. then you guys have a huge bitch fight and the guys hoot and holler! to cool down, we drive down to the quarry to drink some more. when we get there, all the girls get all sentimental and pledge to stay friends forever and never leave the town. at the same time, a few of the girls admit to being pregnant and that they have to get married in a week.

K: and i'll get jealous that my best friend is having a baby AND getting married before me. i'll pretend like i'm happy, but i'll talk trash about the cheap food she serves at the wedding and her cheap-ass shimmering satin dress with far too much lace.

B: but Joe's bachelor party will be fucking classic. we'll get far, far, far too drunk on cisco and go to one of the many local strip joints in a strip mall. of course, soon we'll get kicked out for groping the dancers and we'll go back to the motel 6 where we have set up our base. finally, the strippers will come by, but that too turns into disaster when we start trying to get them to fuck us. then we have a knife fight with the bodyguards!

K: and the next day, i ask you why you're all cut up and you tell me that you fell. 2 years later, after my first 6 pack of kids, i find the video from the bachelor party and see a hooker going down on you. i immediately call up ricki lake and set a date to be on her show. you appear thinking someone has a secret crush on you only to be sadly slapped by society for cheating on me.

B: yeah, but after they give us the $3000 appearance money, we get all stoked and go on a crazy binge of crank. somehow the massive chair-throwing fight on ricki makes us even closer than before. after a month of crank we're broke, and the city social worker is coming by because our kids teacher sees how emaciated they are from not eating.

K: you get a job stacking bags of corn and a farm outside of Chuttuck. Your brother, too poor to support himself, comes to live with us in our house filled with ashtrays, butts, and children. While you're at work, I get naked with brother Tom, who really knows how to kick it in the bedroom. 9 months later "you" and I have another child.

B: damn, two-timing on me again. my brother breaks down and tells me over a few beers down at the local dive bar. i get pretty angry and cut him up pretty good with a broken beer bottle. he hightails it out of town with a quickness. i figure it doesn't really matter since i have 7 other kids with 5 other women, and i'm still seeing them all. hell, i'm fucking my boss at the factory, too

K: but finally, i leave you and my skin is leathered, my voice is horse dry, and i'm missing a couple of teeth. i sit day after day, in the kitchen, on the old chair that's rubbed holes in the linolieum and i look at the pictures of the prom--when i was beautiful and looked like miss america.

B: when you do leave me i get irate! i go on such a drunk that has never been seen before. soco in the morning, everclear by 3. i get out of control. i run out of money and rob a convenience store in visalia. with the cops on my ass, i figure i better head the fuck out of cali. the cops finally catch up with me in tucson, az, and throw me in the slammer. i have to work on a road crew bagging garbage on the freeway.

K: 10 years later you appear at my door and you tell me, baby i need you back. it ain't the same without my old lady. and i yell and smack you around until i start crying--at which point, you pull a giant bottle of soco out of your bag (on it is a huge shiny green ribbon) and we get drunk and fall in love all over again. the next morning i apply some purple eyeshadow and climb into my best highwaters.

B: so now we're rolling an old-ass pickup truck and living at your folks house. your dad never forgave me for bedding down with your mom when we were younger, so he's a mean ass son of a bitch to me. we fight almost every day at dinner when he tries to tell me to cut my hair and get a job. for some reason, i can't get a job in town cause i'm blacklisted. and your day care center is in threat of being closed down again

K: finally, you die and i cry, remembering the good years. but i soon get over it and get on another talk show, where they give me a makeover and i meet my next husband who lives in the suburbs and has wall to wall carpeting and a sit down mower.

B: but you realize that no one will ever be as good as i was in the sack, so you stop having sex and get all uptight. you want me back so bad. you're relationship with stewart isn't going so hot since you started taking prozac for your depression. finally, you commit suicide cause it's just not worth living without me.

K: and at my funeral, ten times the number of people show up as they did to yours.

B: because your husband had the money to pay them all

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